So, a few weeks ago now, probably over a month ago, I went on a night out with my boyfriend and his friends. One of the guys had brought his friend along, let’s call him Alex. I ended up really hitting it off with Alex and we talked almost the whole night. He was so funny, so kind.. and just generally one of the nicest humans I’ve ever met. Yesterday, December 16th, my boyfriend told me that Alex had killed himself. Alex is dead. Alex was 21.
Now, I did not know Alex very well and had only ever spoken to him that night, and that night only. However, when I heard the news, I felt like my heart was sinking. I could not believe it. He seemed so happy when I met him, but we all know that people are experts at hiding how they feel. He had been a part of my life for those 4/5 hours that we were out for, but I felt this pain in my chest that still hasn’t gone away.
It feels really unnerving that this guy that I had had so much fun with that night is now no longer here, he is gone. Just like that. He was here two months ago, now he’s not. Whenever I had gone out with the same bunch after the night I met Alex, I kept hoping he would join us again sometime, he was just so lovely. Now I know that he never will.
What must have been going on in his life for him to think that death was the only way out? What must his poor family be going through? How long had he been struggling for? Did anyone know?
All of these questions have been on my heart since I heard the news, and it just breaks my heart. I’m sure his parent had no idea that their poor boy was struggling. I bet his friends did not have a clue that Alex was depressed. It got me thinking about how we suppress our emotions so much, or how we do not talk about how we’re feeling if it’s not good feelings.
Well, guess what happens when we do not want to listen to “negative emotions”? People fucking kill themselves. People kill themselves because they feel so desperately sad, and they feel like everyone around them is just so happy all the time so what is the point of talking to them about something that they cannot relate to?
If you are reading this, and you are depressed, please know that most people in your life have felt sad before, and quite a lot of them have felt depressed, too. They just don’t fucking talk about it as they want to keep up this stupid facade that their life is sunshine and rainbows all the damn time!
Listen, I’m a generally happy person – I have a positive attitude and I know that whatever shit I’m going through will eventually subside. However, actually just two weeks ago I was super irritable and pretty much crying for most of the week. It’s called being human – sometimes humans feel overwhelmed, sometimes we feel sad, sometimes life just gets a bit too much.
I wish people would talk about their feelings more, and I wish that people would be more willing to listen to people talk about how they ACTUALLY feel. Who knows, maybe if Alex had spoken to hi friends, he would not have killed himself. I’m not saying his depression would be cured with just one conversation, but maybe he would not have killed himself. Maybe he would still be alive today. But he’s not.
I wish I could have told him that night, that I cared for him, and that I thought he was great. I wish I could have been there before he took those pills and given him a big hug, and tell him that he is so loved, has got so much potential, and that I’m here for him if he wants to talk.
Please whoever is reading this, listen to your friends. ASk them how they’re ACTUALLY doing. Tell them that you love them. Tell them just how awesome you think they are.
A little conversation could be the difference between life and death for some people.
To you, Alex: I wish you had not killed yourself. I wish you were still here. I wish you were excited about going home to your family for Christmas. I wish I got to talk to you again.
You will never be forgotten, and you are dearly missed. I had only spoken to you once, and I am so affected by your death.
I hope you rest in peace, you beautiful, lovely human.