Not doing so well.

I’m not doing so well right now.

I’m sure I am not depressed, but I sure as hell know that I am not 100% okay.

I think when you’ve been depressed before (I was, for two years straight), you are very good at knowing that line between “ok, i am  full blown depressed” and “i am sad” or “i am having a bad day, week (or even month)” .

While it’s true that you can still smile, and have a relatively good day when you are depressed – you have this underlying sense of.. doom, or despair, hopelessness. Like your brain is saying “enjoy it while it lasts, ’cause once you’re alone again, those thoughts are gonna come back.”

That’s not how I feel. I just feel like a lot of shit has gone down in my life lately, but I’ve not let myself feel the emotions as they come. I have been keeping them inside because “i got shit to do”. Now – it’s all come to head and I feel mentally exhausted, drained of energy, and just, well.. sad.

It started in January when some pretty bad news about one of our family members came out. Basically, this person was really struggling. Then,she got better, then, around June, she got a whole lot worse. It became unbearable to spend time with this person, and her issues caused lots of arguments and rifts in the family. That was tough.

Then, in August, this person’s issues got her in trouble, which was devastating for all of us. This issue has now snowballed to the point of breaking up the family. I worry every single night about all of my family members, wishing they are okay, and that they find happiness. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve worn myself out and I just feel like crying.

On top of all that, I began noticing around January that I had dark circles under my eyes. They bothered me a little, but just as I would be bothered by a pimple. Then around May, it got a little worse, to the point where it looked like someone had shaded me in with a pencil (i’m NOT kidding!!). But i forgot about it. Some days it was ok, then on other days it was really bad. Now, they are so, so, so terrible. I do not feel comfortable without make up at all. I feel like I look sick. What’s most annoying about this is that I suffered with self-esteem issues really badly as a teenager, and since 18, I have worked so hard in learning to like my face, body, and personality, so this dark circle situation felt like a slap in the face.

So, that’s it folks! I feel sad, tired, and drained, and have been feeling like this on and off for a week. I’m still positive though! Things will get better, but I am not going to beat around the bush; I feel sad.

And that’s okay… because I am a human.

 

 

 

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